I’ve seen this doing the rounds on facebook, so I thought I’d share it again…….
CUMBRIA IS THE 2ND LARGEST COUNTY IN ENGLAND, SITUATED IN THE NORTH WEST, AND SHARES A BORDER WITH SCOTLAND AND NORTHUMBERLAND.
THERE ARE MAGICAL BEINGS THAT LIVE THERE, ALSO KNOWN AS CUMBRIANS. WHERE THE FASHIONS ARE 10 YEARS BEHIND, PISS COLOURED LEMONADE IS FAVOURED AND THE LANGUAGE IS UNDERSTOOD BY FEW.
BUT WITH ITS MAJESTIC MOUNTAINS, ITS THUNDERING RIVERS I WOULDN’T WANT TO LIVE ANYWHERE ELSE!
THE SHIRE AIN’T GOT SHIT ON CUMBRIA.
HERE ARE 21 THINGS THAT YOU WILL ONLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU LIVE THERE..
1. MUDDY BOOTS ARE ACCEPTABLE ATTIRE TO WEAR TO THE PUB.
Cumbria has a thriving tourism trade, with hundreds of pubs in the back arse of nowhere. Best thing to do after a ramble up the mountains and down the dales…. get your lips round a pint of Cumbrias Finest.
2. TRACTORS ARE AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE AS TO WHY YOU ARE LATE FOR WORK
Rush hour doesn’t happen in Cumbria. But Tractors do.
There is no passing them, no getting around them, and if you do manage the impossible his farm yakker friend is only 300 yards up the road lying in wait to pull out in front of you.
3. YOU’RE MORE LIKELY TO SEE A UNICORN PASSING THROUGH YOUR VILLAGE THAN PUBLIC TRANSPORT
Living in the back arse of nowhere has its downfalls. public transport being one of them. if you’re lucky enough to have a train station in your village, you can get to the nearest town at the most awkward times, but there’s fat chance of getting back the same day, and you’re lucky if there’s a bus every fortnight!
4. WEARING A COAT ON A NIGHT OUT IS A SERIOUS FASHION FAUX PAS
We are northern and we are hard. Wearing a coat on a night out will procure you the reputation of being a wuss, and if you happen to take a coat to the pub, it will get lost amongst the pile of other tourists coats on the hook that farmer Giles’s wife will wear home one night when she can’t find her top that she was swinging round her head after 1 too many halves of Jennings.
5. COW TIPPING IS AN ACCEPTABLE HOBBY.
Yes. We have done this and yes it does really happen. And you will do it in your 30’s after a reunion night out in the local pub with the knobheads you called friends at school.
6. CHEESE XL CRISPS ARE AN ACCEPTABLE FOOD GROUP.
The mother of all crisps. Not available anywhere outside of Cumbria. Can be used as a food group, a light snack, your dinner and are especially tasty between 2 slices of white bread. Are also famous for their ability to cure any monstrosity of a hangover
7. CALLING SOMEONE A JAMEATER IS THE MOST OFFENSIVE INSULT……….EVER.
Origin of this widely known insult has been debated for many Cumbrian generations. The most common theory, is that the miners in Whitehaven and Workington would take sarnies down the mines for their dinner. If you were the eater of jam sandwiches you were thought of as poor. Whitehaven and Workington will argue to the bitter end that the other are the jameaters. But it is abundantly clear, that it is in fact the folk from Workington that are the jameaters
8. “LIKE” IS AN ACCEPTABLE WAY TO END A SENTENCE,
Listen to your fellow Cumbrians and see how many times they say like at the end of a sentence. ‘its dead surprising like’
9. “ERE AAY” IS AN APPROPRIATE WAY TO ADDRESS TO ANYONE.
Commonly used by scallys/chavs to address their friends, peers, elders, passers by….. commonly used in sentences such as:
“Ere Ey Lad, buy es some drink ootta that shop ower there ey”
“Ere Ey what the f*#K are you doing Lad”
10. DRIVING FROM WHITEHAVEN TO PENRITH FOR HANGOVER KFC IS AN ACCEPTABLE DAY OUT ON A SUNDAY.
The fast food industry is lacking in the majority of Cumbria but it is particularly bad in the West, and westerners can often been seen turning up to the KFC in Penrith hanging out of their arses with a craving for fried chicken. When in gods name will someone open one closer????
11. YOU FIND YOURSELF EXPLAINING TO SOUTHERNERS THAT ‘NO, I DON’T GLOW IN THE DARK BECAUSE OF SELLAFIELD”
Sellafield provides endless entertainment for slating Cumbrians, between Homer Simpson, three eyed rabbits and fish with legs. The majority of the country assume that we glow in the dark and lets be honest, we don’t put them right…. and fill them with stories of conspiracy theories and tales of mad scientists, giant rabbits and talking seagulls.
12. IT IS ‘LADGEFUL’ THAT LADGEFUL IS NOT IN THE ENGLISH DICTIONARY
Ladgeful, meaning shameful.
13. YOU ROLL YOUR EYES WHEN ANYONE FROM MANCHESTER, LIVERPOOL SAY THEY ARE NORTHERN
According the rest of the country England stops at Manchester, and those northern hard bastards from Manc think they own the north. NOH!
14. YOU HAVE EXPLAINED MORE THAN ONCE THAT CARLISLE IS NOT IN SCOTLAND.
A common mistake; that gets more annoying every time you hear some gobshite southerner ask you again and laugh. Get back to f*#king geography lessons you thick get.
15. A FARM YAKKER, IS AN ACCEPTABLE OCCUPATION
Commonly known as a farmhand. The term Farm yakker is a term of endearment and to the Cumbrian Lasses this generally means big, strong man, with big strong hands and abs that you could dry your clothes on.
16. YOU HAVE GIVEN UP EXPLAINING TO ‘SOUTHERNERS’ THAT ‘NO, I AM NOT A GEORDIE’, ‘NEWCASTLE IS NOT NEAR WHERE YOU LIVE’ AND NO YOU DID NOT GO TO SCHOOL WITH CHERYL COLE’
Self explanatory – direct these ones to the same geography classes as those in number 14.
17. YOU HAVE NEVER SAID ‘ASSA MARRA’, ‘COWIE’, ‘RADGE’ OR ‘OWZ THOU GARN’ IN THE LAST 10 YEARS, BUT WHEN YOU LEAVE CUMBRIA, YOU BECOME FLUENT IN CUMBRIAN – AS IF YOU’RE TRYING TO PROVE A POINT.
The Cumbrian accent is famous for sounding like nothing you’ve ever heard before. Cumbrians do their very best to lose the accent when residing in Cumbria for fear of sounding common.. however, once you step foot outside of Cumbria and your 6 pints down you suddenly become very protective of your home county and everyone in the local vicinity is your new marra, the club you end up in is Radge, and by 10 pints you announce to anyone that will listen that you are in fact ‘Garn Yam’.
18. AS SOON AS YOU PASS THE ‘WELCOME TO CUMBRIA’ SIGN ON THE M6 – YOU IMMEDIATELY PUT YOUR WINDSCREEN WIPERS ON.
The Cumbrian Border is in fact a magical boundary of which shelters the rest of the country from the monsoon season.
19. ALTHOUGH ITS CALLED ‘THE LAKE DISTRICT’ THERE IS ONLY ONE ACTUAL LAKE.
10 points to anyone that can name which lake is the real lake.
20. CUMBRIA GETS BATTERED BY SHIT WEATHER ALL YEAR ROUND, WHEN THE UK SCREAMS ‘STORM’ CUMBRIA YAWNS AND CONTEMPLATES HOW LONG THEY HAVE LEFT OF WINTER…. AND HOW SOON THEY’VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT PUTTING THAT FECKIN’ TREE UP AND COVERING IT IT BLOODY LIGHTS.
Yes, weather again. it rains it pours and the old man snores. What the UK call storms, hurricanes and blizzards to commonly known to Cumbrians as winter.
21. The 21:45 train is where you will meet your new BFF soul mate at Carlisle, and by the time you’ve reached your destination you’ve teamed up like the new avengers and decked some southern gobshite for cracking a cattle truck/inbred/incest joke.
The 21.45 is the last train out west, and has it’s own police escort, its also known for getting terminated halfway down the line costing you and your new BFF a fortune in a taxi home because some hard bastard has wiped his mates out, smacked his bird and scopped his pint out the winda.